Scientists and health experts will have you believe that alcohol is bad for you. But we know better, right?

Studies conducted on a Friday night by drinkers have concluded that drinking makes us more attractive, better dancers and downright sexy.* However, a survey of the same party animals on a Saturday morning cast a small shadow of doubt on these findings, as they reflect on the night before.

We’ve all been there. Done that. Found the vomit stains on the t-shirt. Here’s 10 of the worst things you can do when drunk:

1. “I love you man!”

Yes, you know you’re guilty as charged. One too many voddies and you turn into Jamie from Made in Chelsea, professing your undying love to all and sundry – your best mate…your until-now-secret crush…the toilet attendant who’s just sprayed you up and down in Charlie Red in exchange for a quid. Did it at least come across well, perhaps with the beauty and articulacy of a Shakespearian sonnet? Did it heck. You slurred with beer breath and dribbled a little bit.

2. Texting

Beer goggles and fat fingers do not equal a coherent text. Even autocorrect is like, “WTF?!”.

3. Remembering a skill from your youth and demonstrating it…badly

You’ve just remembered how good you were at headstands as a child, now is definitely the time to bring that skill out again to really impress everyone. Nothing could possibly go wrong…

4. Oh what, wow…you’re the greatest dancer

Oh yeah, I’ve got the moves like Jagger. Why have I not realised what a nifty mover I am until now? And look, a crowd has formed around me, and they’re all clapping. They want more. I’m going to give them more…

Cue shapes David Brent would be proud to throw, and weeks of recovery as you fall and break a hip.

5. Mariah ain’t got sh*t on your dulcet tones

You’re feeling sexy and confident and, ooh look there’s karaoke! Pass that microphone pronto! The DJ loads Miss American Pie – the full eight and a half minute version…

6. Flashing the cash

All of a sudden you think you’ve got the bank balance of Richard Branson and whip out the credit card, shouting “the Lanson’s on me!” The reality is you’d budgeted for three beers tonight and now you won’t afford to eat until pay day.

7. Stealing literally anything you can find, like it’s the naughtiest thing ever

No you’re not going to get locked up for pinching a beer mat.

8. Dancing around your handbag

Not because you’re from Essex and wear white stilettos. Because you’re being “ironic” and think you’re the funniest person in the world.

9. Falling asleep on public transport

Just a little nap will sort you out a treat, won’t it? Then you invariably get woken up by the station guard at the end of the line. Or you may strike lucky and awaken to find yourself on the Circle Line…at the same station you started your journey…on the opposite side to the station you want to be.

10. Sobering up

And now for the very worst thing imaginable…sobering up after pre-going out drinks while queuing for ages to get in a club. Well that’s a bottle of Blue Nun’s finest gone to waste…

*No actual study conducted. Ever.

Always Drink Responsibly.